his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
