I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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