either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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