my soul wont recognize me after tonight
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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