So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
