I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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