i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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