I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
