i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I've blown a few things in my day
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
