Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
