id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We left the knife in your bed.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize