You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
