i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
