How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
