I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Randomize
