I think my fart just growled at me.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
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