is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
