If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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