i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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