dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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