Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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