If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize