my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
My balls are so social today.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
