and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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