im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize