So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I need to calm my uterus...
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
