Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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