new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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