U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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