if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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