We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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