Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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