Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
