my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize