So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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