I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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