i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
