ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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