I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
