I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize