just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
