woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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