I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
