I look better un-naked...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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