walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Drake has all the answers
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
