i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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