Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
