so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
