Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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