Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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