My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
