woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
