If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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