Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
