I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
