im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
