just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize