This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize