so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
